Clemens' Tired Two-Step

(by Dan Mathers)

I don’t care if you’re a Sox fan or *Yanks fan, you have to be sick of the Roger Clemens song and dance. The word out of Round Rock, Texas, is he’s 50-50 on whether he’ll play again this year. Given that there are three teams willing to throw gobs of money at him just to pitch a short season, I’m 100-0 on that line being a load of Texas Longhorn dung. Of course, we’ve heard all of this before, many times before. The Step-Into-Retirement-Step-Out-And-Cash-In. It’s all very tired. Thankfully, Roger gave us a different step last week – a brand new line, but with all the same disingenuousness as his classics. “The only reason why I'd continued to play was because of my teammates calling me,” he told the Associated Press. Really, Roger? That’s the only reason? So, if the phone lines at the Clemens household don’t light up with calls from Brad Ausmus, Big Papi and Derek Jeter, Roger will retire, even when teams are ponying up 18 million other reasons to play (the only real reasons he’d play). Isn’t this the same guy who held out for more money at the beginning of the 1987 season, which helped the defending AL Champion Red Sox get off to a terrible start? Great teammate.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’d love to see him pitching for the Sox next year. But it’s not because I like the guy. I don’t. But I like my team, and I’ll pull for anyone who can help them, whether that is Clemens, or even (gulp) J.D. Drew. And if Roger chooses the Yanks, can we finally just give his Number 21 to the first scrub minor-leaguer called up to pitch middle relief next April? What is the point of holding onto it? If the organization tried to retire it, fans would certainly have to do something irrational – like steal Theo’s Pearl Jam CDs. Or we take over the NESN studios, broadcast Pedro’s greatest games, and physically force Tom Caron to read a statement condemning the move . . . and referring to the fans as freedom fighters for Red Sox Nation. Yeah.

(*-Astros fans were not included with the Sox and Yanks because they probably don’t care or are oblivious to the ongoing saga. These are the same fans who, when the All-Star Game was played in their park, sat on their hands when Hank Aaron was being interviewed on-field. Chris Berman, after briefly starting the interview, had to pause and ask the fans to give a hand for Hammerin’ Hank. If that was in Boston, Berman wouldn’t have been able to ask a question for three minutes. Remember that scene in “Independence Day” when we fruitlessly nuke Houston? That was awesome.)